November 8, 2011
Warning: Serious post with confessions ahead.
I had a big melt down last night.
Hubby's been out of town for almost a week now and he will be gone longer still. And for the whole of that time, I've spent all sorts of waking and sleeping hours cleaning up after my sick toddlers. And when I say sick I mean, gross bodily functions all over the place, kind of sick. (thank heavens Sunday seemed to be the end of it)
I feel like my washer and dryer have been running 24/7 and yet, I have mounds of laundry waiting for me.
The kids have helped me clean up the house several times, yet it remains in shambles.
I think I've only made a real dinner twice in the last week.
I'm sure all that played a part in my sudden lack of self restraint, but it was the incessant fighting, the endless crying and whining that finally got to me.
Bedtime was not a pretty sight. I could actually feel my throat getting sore because everything I said was coming out louder than necessary.
I could feel myself losing it. I hate that feeling.
Right in the middle of the screaming, crying and yelling, I dropped to my knees right then and there and pleaded with the Lord to give me strength and patience. I needed Him desperately in that moment.
After a few deep breaths I climbed to my feet and a bit more calmly, yet still not wholly put back together, and put the kids to bed.
The guilt was weighing heavily on me. In that moment, I felt like I just knew that I never should have had any children, and that I'll never have anymore because it's clear that I'm simply not cut out for this job. I felt so completely inadequate, incompetent, and alone.
I bowed my head again, only this time begging for forgiveness.
I went back to the boys room where Jacob was still sniffling. Each in turn, they eagerly and willingly came to me and I held them in my arms and apologized, asked for their forgiveness and told them how much I love them and how wonderful they are.
They were so quick to forgive me, so wholly willing to tell me they loved me too that I couldn't help but feel worse, knowing that someday soon, we'd be doing this again. Me asking for their forgiveness and them giving it.
I know myself well enough to admit to that.
The boys now smiling, calmly laid down and went right to sleep.
Next I went to the girls. I repeated everything with Alayna, who despite her young age, nodded her head and murmured a little ,"Mmmm hummmm" when I asked for her forgiveness.
Then I went over to Savannah and we did the same. We chatted for a while, and when I got up to leave she called out, "You know mom, you just need to learn to control yourself, you know? Like take deep breaths or count to ten or something."
Ha ha, well thanks for the advise little missy. Something tells me that were I to bring up your little piece of advise for you during your next tantrum, it would not be well received!
Anyway, it was a rough morning this morning, but we'll make it. We always do.
I just need to take a moment to remember the good stuff.
That's the key for me.