November 8, 2011

A Meltdown Moment

Warning: Serious post with confessions ahead.

I had a big melt down last night.

Hubby's been out of town for almost a week now and he will be gone longer still. And for the whole of that time, I've spent all sorts of waking and sleeping hours cleaning up after my sick toddlers. And when I say sick I mean, gross bodily functions all over the place, kind of sick. (thank heavens Sunday seemed to be the end of it)

I feel like my washer and dryer have been running 24/7 and yet, I have mounds of laundry waiting for me.

The kids have helped me clean up the house several times, yet it remains in shambles.

I think I've only made a real dinner twice in the last week.

I'm sure all that played a part in my sudden lack of self restraint, but it was the incessant fighting, the endless crying and whining that finally got to me.

Bedtime was not a pretty sight. I could actually feel my throat getting sore because everything I said was coming out louder than necessary.

I could feel myself losing it. I hate that feeling.

Right in the middle of the screaming, crying and yelling, I dropped to my knees right then and there and pleaded with the Lord to give me strength and patience. I needed Him desperately in that moment.

After a few deep breaths I climbed to my feet and a bit more calmly, yet still not wholly put back together, and put the kids to bed.

The guilt was weighing heavily on me. In that moment, I felt like I just knew that I never should have had any children, and that I'll never have anymore because it's clear that I'm simply not cut out for this job. I felt so completely inadequate, incompetent, and alone.

I bowed my head again, only this time begging for forgiveness.

I went back to the boys room where Jacob was still sniffling. Each in turn, they eagerly and willingly came to me and I held them in my arms and apologized, asked for their forgiveness and told them how much I love them and how wonderful they are.

They were so quick to forgive me, so wholly willing to tell me they loved me too that I couldn't help but feel worse, knowing that someday soon, we'd be doing this again. Me asking for their forgiveness and them giving it.

I know myself well enough to admit to that.

The boys now smiling, calmly laid down and went right to sleep.

Next I went to the girls. I repeated everything with Alayna, who despite her young age, nodded her head and murmured a little ,"Mmmm hummmm" when I asked for her forgiveness.

Then I went over to Savannah and we did the same. We chatted for a while, and when I got up to leave she called out, "You know mom, you just need to learn to control yourself, you know? Like take deep breaths or count to ten or something."

Ha ha, well thanks for the advise little missy. Something tells me that were I to bring up your little piece of advise for you during your next tantrum, it would not be well received! 

Anyway, it was a rough morning this morning, but we'll make it. We always do.

I just need to take a moment to remember the good stuff.

That's the key for me.

18 super cool people speak:

Sue said...

Had to laugh about Savannah...

Wait until they are teenagers, behaving abominably whilst calling you out on every single small thing you do that could possibly be considered less than perfect behavior.

Ah, the joys...


Serene is my name, not my life! said...

LOL! Yea... not sure how I'm going to handle that one!

Lots of chocolate?? :D

Nicole said...

I have two sick babies and I'm acting like one while hubby is at work, can't imagine 4 by myself! God bless you!

Sarah said...

I cried reading this. I've so been there in the last 12 hours (and even week, really). Screaming on my end, tears on theirs. Pleads for forgiveness on my end, grants given on theirs. The oldest even asked, "Why can't you help all of us?" with a tone of Do it better Mom!
"There's three of you and one of me and I just can't keep up all the time," I tried to explain. I honestly don't know how well that got through on his end.
The baby still cries. I'm still tired. I fear we're not quite through.
I'm trying to do it better, I really am. And a supplication to the heavens and a nap on my end would serve us well. I'm so tempted to call except I can't get anyone to stop screaming in my ears even as I write this:) but I love you and thank you for your honesty:)

Hey Serene, I've got this great idea! When we grow up, lets do the hardest and greatest job ever! Want to?:) It will be the best:)

I love you

Anna@Exasperation said...

Oooh man, I needed this post. The whole raw throat from yelling is what got me, because I've experienced it so much. Bah. Thanks for this nugget of honesty. It helps to know it's not just me sometimes.

The Bagley Family said...

So now I am crying cause I have moments like this monthly, weekly, oldest is autistic and has tantrums worse/more then any toddler, plus a toddler and plus a middle child who feels the only way to get attention is to start fights with the already volatile siblings...I keep reminding myself that we are here to learn, it is not going to be easy but it will be worth it and yet I too have those days that I feel like I am failing miserably...especially when I realize I have not seen the floors in the bedrooms, in months...I will tell you, we will be okay. We cannot go wrong if we trying.

Cherie said...

It is super hard to have the hubby out of town and be left alone with all the littles. Even though they are cute as all get out - it IS tiring, actually exhausting. I wish I lived close enough to come help you or let you escape for some time to breath.
You are such a great mom though, you got a grip and you are getting it done.
More power to you - YOU ARE MOM!!!!!

Cherie said...

P.S. Those are the cutest stinkin' pictures!!!!

Patty Ann said...

Love it Serene, and remember that we have all been there!!!

Sarah said...

Serene, you can call me anytime you need to. It's hard when your partner is gone - I don't know how single parents do it.

You're a wonderful mom if you can ask your kids for forgiveness. Most parents can't do that and their kids are worse off for it. You're a good mom - don't forget it.

Melissa said...

THANK YOU for this post. Because it reminds me that I'm not the only mom who has days like that. Thank you....a million times over!

And never forget, you are an amazing mom!

Brittney said...

YOU ROCK, Serene :) Thanks for letting me vent to you last night...and all while you're going through rough stuff yourself! For the record, I think you're an incredible mom and I'm not sure how you manage all those kids, but they are lucky to have you.

Carrie said...

Isn't it nuts that those are the NORMAL days? But I love how you asked forgiveness...on the outside it seems like such a strange concept for a parent to ask forgiveness from the child, but oh so necessary still! You rock!

Jackie said...

Thanks for sharing this. It inspired me to be better!

Mikki said...

I so feel your pain. Been right there myself too many times to count. The wonderful part is that you dropped to your knees when you did, and that you asked your children for their forgiveness. What a wonderful teaching moment! Tears in my eyes.
I get so angry sometimes that I refuse to pray, mostly because I feel unworthy. And then the devil has won.
I struggle WITH the hubby here,,,can only imagine how hard it is when he's away; and then the kids are sick on top of that. I think a little breakdown is in order! Definitely medicate with some chocolate!

Mama Smith said...

After reading your thoughts...I felt quite "emotional"...MEMORIES...of those days...when it felt so hard to keep myself all together...I remember more than me...dropping to my knees...saying nearly all that you expressed...I remember declaring to Father..."You know me...! Why would you send all these precious children to ME!" Well, He knew me BETTER than I did...and somehow...someway...I was given the strength...and through "repentance" to "natural "wo"man"...we all survived and became a REAL FAMILY...with all of its imperfections...we are TRULY a FAMILY...and "eternal" family! One day...when we are all on the other side of the veil...we will hug and high five each other...rejoicing..."We made it! We made it!" You will, too, darling daughter...You will make it...cause I know WHO you are...and your "inner" soul...You are one remarkable person...!

Will and Marcie Davis said...

Oh my gosh Serene, Will has been gone for 6 weeks now and I am seriously going through the EXACT same thing without him right now! 5 kids is SO hard and I am RIGHT there with you...maybe we SHOULD have our little play date! Just so we don't end up in the mental ward next to eachother decalred "mentally incompetent"! ;)LOL

Emily said...

Thank you for posting this. I love your blog because it is real life. I've been there before so many times and I know exactly how your feeling. It's reasuring to me when I meet other moms going through the same exact things that I struggle with.

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