March 15, 2009

I Just Couldn't Think of a Good Title.

I'm having a serious moment. Its true. Despite what you think, I can have those. After all, this is MY blog... so there. And you know what the worst part about it is? I feel like writing about it. But don't worry, I'll spare you the gorey details.

Most often, in the life of a mother, the days tend to roll together and mesh into one. While each day is uniquely and vastly different, they are just as equally all the same. The kids keep you busy enough that you don't seem to notice the days that slip by, one after the other until, for that brief moment you shift down from super sonic mode just long enough to notice that day and night aren't actually the same thing, you say something like, "Oh my goodness! Is it mid-March already!?"

Its funny how things tend to build up and yet you don't notice it until you break down. And its that silly feather that settles on top of your emotional pile that brings the whole thing down on top of you.
Yes, I know it comes as a great shock to many but, its true. I am prone to the emotional weaknesses of a female from time to time. Just don't tell anyone, especially my husband, I want to surprise him.

I spent the weekend questioning my self-worth, wondering about the choices and decisions I have made, and a little unsure about my life's current path. I was feeling frustrated with myself for all the things I've never done and all the attributes I haven't yet accumulated.

As I sat in sacrament meeting today, Luke on one end of the pew and me on the other with the three oldest kids in between us for containment of sure destruction, I happen to look over at my kids.
Three little heads were bent down over three coloring books, all intent on what they were doing, each appeared perfectly content. (Granted that only lasted about 30 seconds)
The sight did two things to me: fill my heart with pride (the good kind) and make me feel like a little teenager as the enormity of the trust I've been given to raise these children hit me hard. I felt like I was just a kid. What in the world are babies doing raising babies?
I was still feeling a bit overwhelmed and completely unworthy after we come home when I saw this. Savannah singing to and playing with her baby sister and making her smile.
Funny how something so simple can change your perspective.

Its going to be alright. Somehow, it will all be okay... especially if chocolate is involved.

7 super cool people speak:

Heidi said...

I completely understand the self-worth part, and the feelings associated with not doing or being what I feel I should have at this point in my life. Ever since I've known you I've always looked up to you. And you are living the life I would wish for myself--right down to the wonderful attitudes and perspectives that you have. I hope you can often if not always (since we ARE frustratingly female and that's just an awful part of our lives) see the amazing woman that I see when I look at you.

Brittney said...

:) Thanks for sharing. You're an amazing person.

Mona said...

We all think of you as the most beautiful of mothers with the most beautiful of children. Of course, we know all that goes on "behind the scenes", but that makes it all the more beautiful to me.

The feelings your describe here go along perfectly the two most recent Musings: "The Flying Dream" and "What You Don't Have or Have Lost".

Love you,

Mama Smith said... will find...there are times...even after you are no longer a YOUNG MOTHER...and have moved onto being a "Grandmother" will find...yourself...wondering/pondering/thinking on regret moments/wishing...if you had to do it all over would CHANGE this or CHANGE that...often forgetting what YOU DID DO RIGHT...Well, my darling daughter, we can only give...what we have developed at the moment...remembering, that FATHER still LOVES our weaknesses...LOVES our EFFORTS...LOVES our WILLINGNESS to TRY....LOVES our EFFORTS TO SACRIFICE in spite of our moments of questioning our SELF-WORTH...Our MOST IMPORTANT achievement in this learning how to LOVE ONE ANOTHER and then LIVING it...REMEMBER, we all are trying to do OUR VERY BEST...with what we are capable at the time...and the see...WHAT I SEE...A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER GROWN UP...who strives to do her very best...becoming a WONDERFUL MOTHER...developing her TALENTS...SHARING HER GIFTS to LIFT OTHERS....and striving to become that "Queen" you will someday BE...I am a BLESSED mother...because...I see what my CHILDREN have BECOME as adults...and though I have several REGRETS.....EACH OF YOU are proving...that somewhere along the road...I must have made some good choices...on HOW I spent my time...raising each of you....(though, ULTIMATELY, our CHILDREN STILL HAVE THEIR AGENCY to CHOOSE their HOW they will develope their OWN LIVES...) As a parent...I did not do it PERFECTLY...but, I did GIVE what I could...YOU are SO MUCH MORE advanced in your young years...than I am in my "older" it SHOULD BE...This LAST PICTURE of YOU and MOST PRECIOUS....

Mindy said...

I wanted to leave you a comment about "life"...but, your mom did such a great job of explaining what I wanted to say...:) you have a beautiful is a crazy life...keep trying to do your best...Heavenly Father picks up our "lack"...always keep a stash of chocolate...:)

Sarah said...

Serene, those times when everything falls down and you can only seem to see deficiencies and failings are really hard. They're easier for me now as a mother because, as you noted, they're usually followed by sweetness from the littles.

Since I've been through that pattern a few times in the last five years, I've learned to use those moments of clarity to zero in on one or two things that hit me the hardest as 'lacking' and work on those. You know, until the *next* 'moment of clarity' (i.e. an emotional wreck).

Sometimes I think "But I was going to be/do/achieve ....", but I've come to the conclusion that I can work on being/doing/achieving right now and my kids can watch me balancing my own growth and desires with being a good mother who is present with them. Hopefully that will help them be more able to easily follow their own dreams than it has been for me.

What an open post. Thank you!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Thanks, I appreciate everyone's comments.

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